Is the Other Woman a Homewrecker? I Read the Comments
A man I've never met read one article I wrote and left a comment. Basically, you're a wh*re.
That's it. That was the whole comment. Roughly 600 words of my life and he'd seen enough.
I've never been called a wh*re on the internet before. I don't think anyone in real life has ever called me that and meant it. I blocked him and the comment disappeared. But it got me thinking about how brazen people are with strangers online. And the ones who do it from an account with their real name on it? Are you crazy?
I have thoughts when I scroll too. I think them and I keep going. That's what normal people do.
So I went to YouTube, because YouTube comments are where it all lives, and I answered them.
Why Don't I Feel Guilty About My Affair? Shame, Guilt, and What Society Expects
Last week I wrote an article on my Substack. A man commented on it with one line: so basically you're a whore.
Okay, thanks, love you. Blocked and deleted.
The comment didn't hurt my feelings. What surprised me was that I was surprised. Why on earth would I think any platform is free from trolls? None of them are.
It got me thinking about how people read one article, watch one video, or listen to one podcast and decide who you are. Then they call you names based on that one piece.
Should You Tell a New Partner You Were the Other Woman? What Happened When I Did
If you were part of an affair, at some point you're going to wonder when to tell someone new. First date? Third? Never?
I decided the answer was right away.
The first time I started dating again was about a year after my ex and I broke up. I'd been going out a lot, traveling a little, meeting people organically and on Bumble. And I made a call. I wasn't going to hide the fact that I was the other woman. I was going to lead with it.
My logic was simple. If I don't tell you, it gets awkward. Now I'm carrying something I have to tell you eventually, and I'm trying to figure out when the right time is. So why not tell you from the jump?
Sex, Intimacy, and Why Affairs Are Never Just One Thing
Ask most people what an affair is about and they'll say one word: sex. It's the assumption everyone makes the second they hear someone got caught. But after a lot of years living inside one, I can tell you it's not that simple. This is the deeper dive I wanted to do after my conversation with Dr. Marie Murphy last week.
I'll be straight with you, talking about sex and intimacy isn't the most comfortable thing for me to put out into the world. My close friends get the unfiltered version. Everyone else gets me at 48, still feeling a little awkward talking about one of the most primal things two people can do. But it's an important conversation, so here we go.
Are Affairs Really About Sex? What I Learned as the Other Woman
Everyone has a theory about why people cheat, and almost all of them start and end with sex. He wasn't getting enough at home. She wanted something new. Keep your partner satisfied and they'll never stray. It's clean, it's simple, and it lets everyone feel safe.
It's also mostly wrong.
I spent years as the other woman, so I've heard every version of the "it was just about sex" theory. This week I sat down with Dr. Marie Murphy, a non-judgmental infidelity coach, and we took the whole thing apart.
Waiting to Be Chosen: What I Learned From Five Years as the Other Woman
Being chosen is something we all want. Not just in relationships. We want to be chosen by friends, by family, in our careers, in every room we walk into. And when we're not, we sit there and pick ourselves apart. What could I have done differently? What was it about me that wasn't good enough? It's a brutal little loop, and almost everyone runs it at some point.
But there's a version of wanting to be chosen that's sharper than the rest, and that's the one that lives inside an affair.
Did He Try to Get Me Back? What Happened When I Left a Married Man
The question I keep getting: did he ever try to get me back?
It shows up in my DMs more than almost anything else. Did he ever try to come back? Did he ever try to change your mind? Did he fight for you?
The answer is no. He didn't.
Why People Get Into Affairs (And What's Actually Missing)
Nobody wakes up wanting to be in an affair. I believe that. I believe most of us are good at our core and that, given the choice, we don't want to hurt the people in our lives. And an affair is a very high risk of doing exactly that. So if almost nobody actually wants to be there, why do so many people find themselves in one anyway?
My answer is that something is lacking within. Not just in the marriage. In the person.
Should I Stay or Should I Leave? The Question Every Other Woman Asks
If you're the other woman, there's a question that runs on a loop in your head from the moment you wake up: do I stay, or do I go? I know it because I lived it. And this week I sat down with Francesca Zoia, a relationship coach in Toronto who spends her days with women stuck in that exact loop. The conversation landed right on the heels of what I've been talking about lately, the version of a relationship that only ever existed in your head.
Here's what I want you to know before we go any further. Nobody gets to hand you the answer. Not me, not Francesca, not the friend who keeps telling you to walk away. But there are better questions than the one you're asking.
What Grief Looks Like When You're the Other Woman Who Ended It
When most people break up, they grieve what they had. The life, the person, the years. You get to mourn something real, something other people watched happen, something you can talk about at dinner.
When you're the other woman and you're the one who ends it, the grief is a different animal. You're grieving him, yes. But you're also grieving everything you imagined and never got to have. And that part is often the harder one, because you can't even point to a memory. You're mourning a future that never existed.