Why People Get Into Affairs (And What's Actually Missing)

Nobody wakes up wanting to be in an affair. I believe that. I believe most of us are good at our core and that, given the choice, we don't want to hurt the people in our lives. And an affair is a very high risk of doing exactly that. So if almost nobody actually wants to be there, why do so many people find themselves in one anyway?

My answer is that something is lacking within. Not just in the marriage. In the person.

Why people get into affairs when they don't want to

Let me be fair to the obvious part first. Yes, you can point at your marriage and say, this is what I'm not getting from my partner. That's valid. That's real. But there's a second question underneath it that most people skip: what's lacking in you that you couldn't have the conversation? What's lacking in you that you couldn't say what you needed and then act on it?

Because those actions are scary. Sometimes acting on what you need means a divorce, or a breakup, or choosing to hurt someone on purpose instead of by accident. So the affair starts to look like the safer option. It isn't. You can hurt the exact same people by staying unhappy and reaching for someone else. You've just made it quieter.

What's really missing when you have an affair

I can only speak for myself, because I'm only me. The woman sitting here today would never get into an affair again. I value myself. I have a high sense of self-respect, and I know I deserve a man who wants to be with me one hundred percent of the time. I won't settle for less, and if that takes years, or if it never happens, I'm okay with that, because my life is already rich — not with money, with people and work and family and the things I actually get to go do.

But the version of me who got involved with a married man didn't have that. I didn't have that confidence in relationships. I was desperate to be loved and to be seen in a way I hadn't felt, maybe ever. And I want to be careful with that word. Desperate doesn't mean I'd have taken love from anyone who came along. It wasn't that. What we had was a real spark, two people who could talk for hours, and loving him was as easy as breathing. He was desperate to be loved too. He was married and not getting what he needed, and no, that's not an excuse — if he was ultimately going to be with someone else, he should have left. He didn't. For a long time I was okay with that, until I wasn't.

Why nobody can fill that void for you

Here's the part it took me years to accept. Nobody can fill a void. Nobody can give you the thing you're lacking, because it always starts within. Nobody could hand me self-worth. Nobody could raise my self-respect for me. I had to build it myself.

What's strange is that the relationship itself did give me more confidence. It raised the bar for what I wanted. I've always been confident in every part of my life except relationships — a leader at work, a leader in my friend group, the one people come to for advice — and I had to figure out why I could see the best in everyone but myself. That's what I worked on. And as I raised my standards, that relationship stopped fitting, because meeting my new bar would have meant he left his marriage and chose me fully. He wouldn't. So I finally said goodbye.

Why leaving takes courage nobody talks about

When I was going through my divorce, before the affair, I wasn't telling my coworkers what was happening in my personal life. It was too much, and work was my escape from reality. When I finally did, three different men told me the same thing: you have so much courage for choosing to end your marriage.

Courage. That word has stuck with me. It made me wonder how many people — men especially — don't have the courage to end a marriage, to choose themselves, to say they'd rather be the best version of themselves outside the marriage than stay complacent or drift into an affair they haven't had yet. That's often what's missing in the person who cheats: not a better spouse, but the belief that they'll be okay if they leave.

The moment I said "I value myself"

The internal stuff is as hard as the external — harder, sometimes, because you can't see it in the mirror every day. Think about gaining fifteen pounds. You see it, you feel it, you know there's something to do about it. The inside doesn't work like that. It's easy to file it under "later."

Mine came out on vacation. A couple of cocktails in, washing my hands, I said out loud, "I value myself." It startled me. I had no idea where it came from. But it's all I thought about for the rest of the trip, repeating it to myself, and when I got home I actually sat with what it meant — what that life looks like, feels like, sounds like, and who it attracts once I'm living it.

That meant looking back at every past relationship and admitting what was uncomfortable: you're the common denominator. If the same thing keeps happening, it's you. In every one of them I felt like I wasn't being chosen fully — so what was I doing, attracting, allowing? And then, further: what am I actually afraid of? Because getting what I want requires being more vulnerable than I've ever been. I'm a hopeless romantic. I love love. I've had my heart ripped out and stomped on, and I survived it. So is it worth risking that again? Yeah. I think that's the whole point of being here.

If you're in an affair right now and part of you wants to tell me to back off, that's fine. There's no deadline on any of this. But a mantra I've kept for years is that when we know better, it's our responsibility to do better. Sometimes doing better just means hearing something today that makes you think differently tomorrow.

FAQ

Why do people get into affairs?

Usually because something is lacking within them, not only in their marriage. A marriage may be missing connection or attention, but the deeper gap is often a lack of confidence, self-worth, or the courage to have hard conversations and act on what you need. An affair becomes the seemingly safer option, even though it risks hurting the same people.

What's missing when someone has an affair?

For the married partner, it's often the belief that they'll be okay if they end the relationship — the courage to leave rather than stay complacent. For the affair partner, it can be self-worth and confidence in relationships, and a desire to feel loved and seen that they haven't found within themselves yet.

Can another person fill the void that leads to an affair?

No. A void always starts within, and nobody can give you self-worth, self-respect, or confidence from the outside. Another person can make you feel temporarily seen, but the thing that's actually lacking can only be built by you.

How do you find the courage to leave an affair or a marriage?

It starts with being honest about what you're lacking and what you're afraid of, then believing you'll be okay on the other side. Leaving takes courage because it means choosing yourself and risking short-term pain to build a life that actually fits you.

Does being in an affair mean you have low self-worth?

Not permanently, but it often points to a gap in self-worth or confidence at the time. Raising that self-worth is what tends to make the relationship stop fitting, because your standards outgrow a situation that was only ever giving you part of what you deserve.

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