How to Know When You're Ready to End an Affair With a Married Man

Every conversation about being the other woman circles back to him. Getting fed up with his behavior. Fed up with him not choosing you. Fed up with waiting for a call, a plan, a version of him that keeps not showing up. Those feelings are real. I've had every single one of them. But they're not the thing that got me out.

The idea for this came from a call with a client. As she told me more about her relationship, I could hear the love she has for the man tangled up with how disappointed she is in herself. So I said the thing I wish someone had said to me sooner: you just need to get fed up with yourself. You're close. You're not there yet. But when you finally get fed up enough with your own behavior, that's when you stop worrying about all the little things and stop looking at your life going, how the hell did I get here.

Everyone gets fed up with him. Almost nobody talks about getting fed up with you.

Getting fed up with him is easy to name. He didn't answer. He picked his family. He left you waiting again. What doesn't get talked about is the harder version, the one that requires looking in the mirror and saying, I don't like the person I am right now.

For me it sounded like this. I'm so tired of being anxious. I'm so tired of not being the confident woman I once was. I'm so tired of waiting around for a man to call. I'm so tired of skipping out on my own life because I'm waiting for someone else. That's the moment it all erupts. And it has nothing to do with him.

The day I ended it, I didn't see coming

I wasn't expecting to end my relationship the day I ended it. I didn't think it would happen that month, maybe not even that year. Then something triggered, and it was like a volcano went off. I was done. Yes, I was fed up with him. But I was more fed up with me. I kept thinking, how much more can I show you that I love you, how much more can I give, how much longer can I wait.

When I first started dating him, I felt like the bar had been raised. I was being treated better than I'd ever been treated, having deeper conversations than I'd ever had, feeling seen and heard and loved for exactly who I am. I was proud of that. And I joke now that he eventually raised the bar so high he could no longer meet it, because he wouldn't choose me and he wouldn't give me 100%.

Here's what's wild to me. None of the life I have now would exist if he'd chosen me. I turned into somebody completely different when I ended that relationship. If I could go back to the version of me who was in it, would I do it all over again? Yes. Because that version of me isn't today's version. I hugged her, thanked her for her service, and left her behind. This version has boundaries she enforces. This version would never end up in that situation.

The slow burn you don't realize is a burn

No woman decides that being with a married man is the best call for her life. It usually starts as the slowest burn, one you don't even register as a burn. Then you're in it, you're in love, and it feels too late to move.

I think of it like a teeter-totter. At the start it's maybe 95% amazing. The honeymoon phase, the lust, the limerence, the finally-met-this-person feeling. And 5% is that quiet, huh, he's married, well, this is just for fun. Over time the teeter-totter balances out. You spend more time frustrated, more time wondering who you're turning into. How am I someone who sits home on a Friday night waiting for a phone call. How am I someone who won't get on a meeting because I might miss his call. How am I someone who misses his call, calls back, and he's already on the phone with someone else, like that was my one window and it's gone.

That's where the fed-up starts to creep in. And it's sneaky, because we get fed up with our jobs, our kids, our families, our friends all the time. We don't realize we can get just as fed up with ourselves, and say, I'm done.

What walking away actually looked like

I woke up one morning frustrated, not happy, not excited. The last time we'd been together, when it ended, I didn't love it. Then we got into a conversation and I lost it. I was in full pick me, choose me, love me mode, furiously typing into my phone, probably crying, probably yelling. And then I said, fine, if you can't do that, it's time for me to go. He didn't fight it. That told me something too.

I don't chase men and I don't chase friends. So I didn't. When I look back, I ended it because I was so fed up with the situation and with who I'd become inside it. A married man cannot be with you 100% of the time. I can tell you from the other side that the life waiting there can be more fulfilling, more full of love, and more beautiful than you let yourself imagine while you're still holding on.

He raised the bar so high he couldn't meet it. And the woman who finally walked away from that is not somebody I'd ever trade back.

FAQ

How do you know when it's time to end an affair with a married man?

The clearest signal isn't about him, it's about you. When you're more fed up with your own behavior than with his, when you're tired of being anxious and waiting around, that's usually the sign you're actually ready. Getting fed up with him can keep you stuck in hope. Getting fed up with yourself is what makes you move.

Why is it so hard to leave a married man you love?

Because it often starts as a slow burn you don't recognize until you're already in love, and because you tend to see him only at his best. The relationship stays stuck in the honeymoon phase, so the good moments feel bigger than the frustration until, over time, they don't.

What does being fed up with yourself actually feel like?

It sounds like being sick of your own anxiety, tired of not being the confident woman you used to be, exhausted from putting your life on hold for someone else's schedule. It's the internal version of what you'd normally aim at him, turned toward your own patterns instead.

Will he leave his wife for me?

This episode isn't built on waiting for that answer. The point is that a married man cannot give you 100% of himself 100% of the time, and building your decision around whether he'll choose you keeps the choice in his hands instead of yours.

Is life really better after leaving an affair with a married man?

It was for me. I became a completely different person after I ended it, and none of the life I have now would exist if he'd chosen me. The version of you on the other side gets to have boundaries, her own life, and love that shows up all the way.

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