Can You Be Friends With Your Ex? A Real Answer for Divorce, Infidelity, and Being the Other Woman

The question of whether you can stay friends with your ex sounds simple. It isn't. The answer changes completely depending on how the relationship ended, who else got hurt, and what role you actually played in it.

I was watching Sex and the City the other night, Carrie and Big sneaking around on Aiden and Natasha, and one of the earlier episodes had the girls debating whether you can ever really be friends with your ex. I got to thinking about how that relates to infidelity, particularly if you were the other woman.

What the Research Says About Staying Friends With an Ex

Between 59 and 65 percent of people stay friends with at least one ex. I'm one of them. I'm still friends with my ex-husband a decade after our divorce.

University of Kansas research identified four reasons people stay in each other's lives after a breakup: security, practical reasons, civility, and unresolved romantic feelings. The first two tend to produce healthy friendships. Civility friendships quietly fade. Unresolved-feelings friendships are the ones that wreck you.

Then there's the harder finding. A separate Oakland University study found that people high in dark personality traits, like narcissism and psychopathy, are more likely to stay close to their exes, often for sex, status, or access. Access is the one I keep coming back to. Not everyone who stays friends with their ex is doing it for healthy reasons.

The Question Most People Skip

The real question isn't can we be friends. It's what am I getting out of this?

That reframe changes everything. When you actually answer it honestly, you find out pretty fast whether the friendship is real or whether it's just a way to not fully let go.

Friends With Your Ex After Divorce

My ex-husband and I have been apart for a decade. He'd show up for me if I needed him, and I'd show up for him. When you've been married to someone, there's a level of comfort and depth that doesn't just disappear, especially when the ending wasn't catastrophic.

That's the best-case version of friends with an ex-husband after divorce. Amicable ending, no betrayal, no resentment that didn't get processed. It's possible. It just isn't the rule.

If you have kids, you have to figure out co-parenting whether you want to be friends or not. Some people do this beautifully. Some people don't, and the kids feel every bit of it. Kids pick up on so much more than we give them credit for, and at a younger age than we realize.

Friends With Your Ex After Infidelity

This one is harder. If your spouse cheated on you, the friendship question carries weight nothing else does.

Some research on the post-affair dynamic finds that when the betrayed spouse tries to stay friends with the cheater, it's often disguised as hope (maybe we'll work it out) or disguised as surveillance (are they still seeing the affair partner?). Both of those are signs you're not actually past it yet.

You can move on without sitting in ill will. You can also move on without giving someone full access to your life. If you don't have kids, you genuinely get to close the chapter. If you do, the question becomes how to maintain respectful communication while co-parenting. Friendship is optional. Civility is the floor.

The question I'd want anyone in this situation to ask themselves is this. What am I keeping this friendship for, and what am I afraid losing it might mean for me?

Self-worth takes a serious hit when someone betrays you. The friendship after the betrayal can either be part of the rebuild or part of the avoidance. It depends entirely on you.

Friends With Your Ex When You Were the Other Woman

This is the conversation almost no one is having out loud, so I'll have it.

I was the other woman. After we broke up, there was a brief text exchange and then radio silence on both ends. I am frighteningly good at not breaking contact. Four months later, after a couple of glasses of wine in the bathtub, I sent him a song that summed up the whole thing. He responded. We reconnected for a few months. And then we stopped talking. It's been years.

If you were the other woman and the man went back to his wife, staying friends with him is one of the hardest yes or no questions you'll ever sit with. Here's where I land. Thanks for not choosing me, but I'm still going to give you access to me? I don't think so.

The version of me who'd reach out to him doesn't exist anymore. My standards raised themselves and then I kept raising them. I wouldn't get involved with a married man as the woman I am now, which means the friendship doesn't have a place in the life I've built.

How to Know If Staying Friends Is Actually Right for You

Before you decide, run these three questions on the friendship.

What am I getting out of being friends with him? Real answer, not the polite one.

How does this friendship positively or negatively impact my self-worth and the life I'm creating for myself?

Is it going to get in the way of me meeting someone else, or subconsciously keep me hanging on?

If the answers feel uncomfortable, that's the answer.

Putting yourself first sometimes means sitting on your hands so you don't text him. Sometimes it means blocking him for a while so he can't check up on you. People will call that selfish. I call it phenomenal.

FAQ

Can you be friends with your ex after a breakup?

Yes, but only some of the time. Research shows 59 to 65 percent of people stay friends with at least one ex, but the outcome depends on motivation. Security and practical reasons produce healthy friendships. Civility usually fades. Unresolved romantic feelings make things worse, not better.

Should you stay friends with your ex after infidelity?

Without kids, you don't have to. You can fully close that chapter and walk forward. With kids, the goal is respectful co-parenting, not friendship. Friendship is optional. Trying too hard to maintain it after betrayal often delays your own healing.

Can the other woman stay friends with the married man after the affair ends?

Almost never in a way that actually serves her. If he stays with his wife, you'd be accepting access without commitment. If he doesn't, the friendship is just the long way of not ending it. Walking away is the cleaner answer.

How long should you wait before trying to be friends with an ex?

Most therapists recommend several months to a year of limited contact, longer if the breakup involved betrayal or chronic conflict. Both people need to fully process the loss of the romantic relationship before a real friendship is even possible.

What are the four reasons people stay friends with exes?

University of Kansas research identified four: security, practical reasons, civility, and unresolved romantic feelings. Only the first two consistently lead to positive long-term friendships.

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