How to Put Yourself Out There When You're Dating in Your 40s

I'm in Los Angeles for a few weeks, and this week I did something that surprised me a little. I texted a guy first.

That sentence might not sound revolutionary. But if you know me, you know I'm a traditional dater. I want the man to make the plan. I want him to pick the place. I want him to hold the door. So when I reached out to someone I'd met on Instagram a few months ago — someone who lives in LA, someone I'd traded voice notes with before life pulled us in different directions — pressing send was the whole point.

He wrote back kindly and told me he was seeing someone. I said, that's great, have a wonderful summer. End of story. And the outcome didn't matter at all.

The week I actually put myself out there

The Summer of George, for anyone catching up, is my bonus episode arc covering dating, social life, and what it looks like when I stop hiding behind a busy season and start showing up for myself. Week one was Scottsdale. Week two is LA.

I drove out here, settled into my friend's guest room, joined a gym within walking distance, took my first workout class in years (I have been working out, just not in a group setting!!), and immediately turned into a woman who couldn't lift her own coffee cup the next day. I'm reconnecting with people I haven't seen in two decades. I'm meeting people I've only known through social media. I'm going to a party at someone's home that isn't a graduation party. I haven't done that in I don't know how long.

I lived in this city right out of college for four and a half years. I left in 2004. So I'm 22 years deep into a comeback that doesn't actually feel like a comeback. It feels like the right place at the right phase of my life. The energy matches mine, and I think that matters more than people give it credit for when they talk about dating in your 40s.

Why making the first move matters more than the answer

Here's the part nobody tells you about putting yourself out there dating in your 40s: the value isn't in the response.

I didn't text that guy because I needed something to happen. I texted him because I wanted to be the kind of woman who texts. I wanted to break the small story I tell myself, that I have to wait, that I have to be pursued, that the first move belongs to him. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn't. This time, I made it.

He said no. Not because I wasn't worth a yes, but because he's living his life. He's seeing someone. He's not available. None of that has anything to do with me, and none of it dimmed the action itself.

An object in motion stays in motion. Once you start putting yourself out there, even in small ways, you keep going. The next message is easier. The next "hey, want to grab a coffee" is easier. The next time you walk into a room where you don't know anyone, you walk in differently.

Being a traditional dater and still reaching out

I want to be clear about something. Making the first move once doesn't mean I'm reorganizing my dating standards. I still want a man to lead. I still want the door held. I still want the plan made.

But there's a difference between standards and stagnation. Standards say: when I'm dating someone, here's how I want to be treated. Stagnation says: I'm going to sit at home until the universe drops a man at my door. Those aren't the same thing.

Reaching out to a person I'd already had a connection with isn't abandoning what I want. It's clearing the air. It's closing a loop. It's saying, hey, I'm in your city, are you around. The rest is up to him.

What I'm learning about midlife dating in a new city

I paid for one month of Hinge. I canceled the auto-renew because there is nothing on this earth more annoying than getting that notification that an app you didn't mean to keep just billed you another month. I still have access until July 3rd, and I'm using it, but I'm noticing something. Hinge in LA hasn't pulled my attention the way Hinge in Scottsdale did. Probably because I'm out doing things. I'm walking to coffee. I'm at the gym. I'm at a friend's dinner. The phone is in my bag.

Dating apps in your 40s have a place. I'm not anti-app. But the apps shouldn't be the whole strategy. They can be one of five things you're doing, not the only thing.

The other four: say yes to invitations, reach out to people you've already met, go to in-person events that put you in a room with humans, and get out of your own house. None of that is groundbreaking. All of it works.

The energy you bring is the dating strategy

I keep coming back to this idea that dating in midlife is less about tactics and more about energy. Not in a woo-woo way. In a practical way. The version of me that's annoyed, lonely, and scrolling Hinge at midnight is not the version of me that's going to attract the kind of man I actually want. The version of me that's working out, seeing friends, traveling, building a life I'd want to date someone inside of — that's the version that's a magnet.

I'm not saying you have to fix your whole life before you can date. I'm saying the act of putting yourself out there is the act of becoming the person who's ready to meet someone good. You do them at the same time.

So if you're stuck, start small. Text someone. Say yes to one thing on your calendar this week you'd normally pass on. Go to the gym. Take the class. Walk into the room. The rest follows.

FAQ: Putting Yourself Out There Dating in Your 40s

Why is it hard to put yourself out there dating in your 40s?

Most of us have been burned. We've had long-term relationships end, watched friends couple up, and spent years being the only single one at the dinner. That can make the act of reaching out feel high stakes. The fix isn't avoiding the discomfort. It's reframing the goal: the action is the win, not the response.

Should I message a guy first?

Yes, if you want to. Messaging first doesn't change what you ultimately want in a partner. It just clears the path. If he's interested, he'll reciprocate. If he's not, you have your answer in five minutes instead of three weeks of guessing.

What happens when you reach out and he's already seeing someone?

He tells you, you wish him well, you move on. That's it. His situation has nothing to do with your worth, your attractiveness, or your timing. The discomfort is brief and the practice is what stays with you.

How do I stay open to dating when nothing is happening?

Build the life first. Go to the gym. Travel. Say yes to plans. Reconnect with old friends. The version of you that's doing things is the version that meets people. You can't outsource that part.

Are dating apps worth it in your 40s?

They're useful but they shouldn't be the only thing. Think of them as one of several inputs. In-person connection still does what an app can't, and the women I know who are dating well in midlife are usually doing both.

🕸️Waiting to be chosen? Download The Affair Edit.
🌱 Tired of performing? Get The Self-Worth Reset.
❤️‍🔥 Want to learn more about The Scarlet Edit? Start here.
🍒 Interested in working with me? Let’s chat.
📲 Subscribe to the show on Apple, Spotify or YouTube so you don’t miss an episode!
💌 Want more conversations like this? Sign up for the newsletter below.