What Happens When the Betrayed Wife Wants to Talk to the Other Woman

A few weeks ago, a woman named Sydney sent me a DM on Instagram. She'd been listening to the show. Her husband had had multiple affairs (two in 2021, one this past February), and there was a specific thing I'd said in a recent episode that she wanted to ask me about. Not to fight. Not to drag me. Just to talk.

I said yes. Then I sat in my car for about ten minutes before our pre-call wondering what I'd just signed up for. I've recorded over sixty episodes of this podcast and I have never sat across from a wife who knew I'd been on the other side of someone else's marriage. We did the pre-call. She was sharp, funny, clear-eyed, and almost shockingly direct. We recorded a few days later.

What came out of that conversation is the episode this blog post is built on. If you've ever wondered what a real, mutually respectful conversation between a betrayed wife and a former affair partner could actually sound like, this is it.

When Your Husband Has Had Multiple Affairs

Sydney has been with her husband for twelve years and married for ten. They have a six-year-old together. He's traveled a lot for work since their son was born during COVID, and somewhere in that stretch, things got roommatey. Not bad. Just roommatey.

In 2021, he had two affairs in a row in Ohio. She found them both the same way: his phone. The way she described going into FBI mode is the most accurate language I've heard a woman use for that specific kind of clarity. Within an hour, she'd called the other woman, the other woman's mother, and the other woman's ex-husband. She'd run their phone numbers through a background check service her business uses. The whole nervous system locks in on getting the truth.

This past February, it happened again. Same playbook. He left his phone at home, which he never does, and her gut went off before she even unlocked it.

Why She Reached Out, and Why I Said Yes

What surprised me about Sydney is that she didn't reach out because she'd been hurt by something I said. She reached out because she'd been thinking about it. Specifically, about a story I'd told where I said I wasn't really thinking about the wife of the man I was involved with, because I believed him when he told me she knew.

Sydney's pushback was clean. Even if I wasn't directly doing anything to that woman, I was a part of the situation. And in her view, that does make it ickier. Not unforgivable, not evil, not the same thing as being the cheater. But a something. Worth saying. Worth talking about.

She's right. I told her that on the call.

The Question Almost Nobody Asks the Other Woman

The thing Sydney actually wanted to know, and the thing I think a lot of betrayed wives never get to ask: did the wife really know?

In my case, I believed she did. There were too many things along the way that pointed to it for her not to have. But Sydney's view is more honest than mine has ever been about this. If she knew, why was she still standing for it? And if she really, truly knew and was fine with it, the explanation is that something was in it for her. Comfort. Lifestyle. Kids. Her own version of staying.

That isn't a flattering read of either of us. But I don't think it's wrong.

Why Wives Stay After Multiple Affairs

The first time, Sydney stayed because she and her husband were able to look at each other and say honestly that they'd let the relationship slide into a roommate situation. They both took that on. They worked on it. He came home and the marriage got actually better, not pretending-better, for years.

The second time, she's been less able to explain it, even to herself. She told me, "I'm just here. That doesn't mean I'm staying." She's scared. Not of being single, she'd genuinely love that. She's scared of sharing custody of a six-year-old with a man who wouldn't make it easy. Of breaking up the family. Of the fact that this man, despite everything, is also her best friend.

That last one isn't a justification. It's the truth of long-term partnership. You don't only marry the cheating. You marry the person who knows what kind of cereal you eat and who handled the funeral plans for your dog. Leaving means leaving all of that too.

When Affairs Are a Symptom, Not the Problem

I've said this on the show a hundred times, and I said it again to Sydney. Affairs aren't the problem. They're a symptom of something else. Most often, that something else is the cheater's own self-worth, how they were taught to handle conflict, how they view women, or what they let themselves get away with when no one's watching.

Sydney sees this clearly. She knows the issue isn't her, isn't even the marriage. It's him. He needs to look at his own stuff. Whether he will is the open question.

The Opposite of Love Isn't Hate. It's Indifference.

Halfway through our conversation, Sydney described how she felt when this most recent affair came out, and the word she kept coming back to was unbothered. She didn't care. He even told her he was uncomfortable with how much she didn't care.

The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. Hate has heat. Indifference is the room going cold. Sydney knows what that means. She also knows the longer she stays, the more she starts to care again, and how much she hates that she does.

This was the most clarifying moment of the episode for me. If you've gone numb, that isn't healing. That's the marriage telling you something.

FAQs

Should you stay after your husband has had multiple affairs?

There isn't a universal answer. Couples have rebuilt after multiple affairs and couples have ended in divorce after the first one. What matters is whether the person who cheated is genuinely examining why they keep doing it, and whether you can be honest with yourself about what you need to feel safe and respected in the relationship going forward.

Why do husbands keep cheating?

Repeat infidelity is rarely about the marriage. It usually points to unresolved issues inside the person doing the cheating, like low self-worth, how they manage discomfort, how they view women, or what they got away with growing up. Until those get addressed directly, the pattern tends to repeat regardless of who they're married to.

Should I confront the other woman?

Most advice columns will tell you no. Sydney confronted all three of her husband's affair partners and doesn't regret it. The conversations went three different ways: one woman was vicious, one was apologetic enough that Sydney ended up apologizing back, one she still calls a piece of shit. What she got out of those calls was clarity, not closure. If you do it, do it for the information. Don't expect peace.

Can a marriage survive serial infidelity?

Some do. Most don't. The marriages that survive tend to be the ones where the person who cheated stops blaming the marriage, takes full responsibility, and gets professional help for what's actually going on with them. If that isn't happening, you're not rebuilding. You're managing decline.

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