Listener Questions: What I'd Do Differently, How I Date Now, and What I'd Tell the Other Woman

I asked my Instagram followers what they wanted me to talk about that I hadn't covered yet, and the questions that came in were so good I built a whole episode around five of them. This is what happens when you ask a community of women who've been through it what they actually want to know — they don't ask softballs.

So I'm going to walk through the five I picked and what I said in the episode, because some of these answers I had genuinely never said out loud before.

What I Would Do Differently About Being the Other Woman

I've said many times that I don't regret being the other woman. I don't. But the question I got was different — was there anything I would do differently if I could go back?

Yes. I would ask more questions.

I would ask him if he actually envisioned a future with me. I talked about a future with him constantly, but I never really asked him what he saw. I never pressured him on it, and I don't love the word pressure, but I also never just said: what do you actually want here? How long do you see this continuing? What kind of longevity do you see in this?

I would also ask more about what was happening at home. What conversations was he having? What was the real picture? I put invisible boundaries around certain parts of our relationship without realizing it. He was one of my best friends. We talked about everything — childhood, past relationships, love languages, advice, all of it. But when it came to his marriage, I didn't push. And looking back, I'm kind of shocked at the questions I didn't ask.

Hindsight is one of those things people repeat for a reason. You look back and you wonder why you didn't push harder on something that turned out to matter.

When I Stopped Caring What People Thought of My Choices

This one I had to interpret a little because I wasn't sure if the listener meant a specific choice or just living my life unapologetically. I went with the second one.

Launching this podcast was the moment. I'm coming up on the one-year anniversary of The Scarlet Edit being live, and I have moments where I look back and go, I can't believe I did that. I can't believe I shared all of this so openly.

Before I launched, I was playing the should game with myself. I should be doing this kind of work. I should be working with these kinds of women. I should, I should, I should. And what was bothering me underneath all of it was this relationship I'd had and this technical secret I was carrying. Nobody owes a detailed account of their personal life. We don't owe that to the world. But for some reason, I felt called to do it. I felt like keeping it inside was getting in the way of every dream I had for myself.

So I built it. I picked a name, a brand, colors, a feel. I had a notes app full of checkboxes the month before launch. I was so busy I didn't have time to get nervous until the day before. Then it went out, and I thought, holy shit, I just did that. And I never looked back. That moment is what let me get to where I am now, not caring what strangers might think.

How I Date Now After the Affair and the Divorce

I'll be honest — I haven't really been dating. And it's not a conscious decision. I haven't really met anyone who takes my interest.

Part of it is the math of being where I am. When I was married, my friends were married. When I was in the affair, I wasn't looking. Now I'm single, but most of my friends are married or in relationships, so I'm in that energy a lot. None of us are out projecting "I'm single and open to talking to strangers." So I don't either. I've thought about that, and I think I need to be more open to being approached.

Dating apps haven't been it for me. Last time I was on one, every time I opened it I felt stressed out, not excited. That told me everything.

When I do think about what I want now — I'm 48, I'm not looking to have kids, and I'm on the fence about whether marriage is something I need. I don't need to be married to have the relationship I want. I want someone who adds to the life I've already built, not someone I'm waiting to be rescued by.

Travel is huge for me, so it has to be someone who's been some places, seen some things, and wants to explore more. Someone who wants to hang out, laugh, have fun. Someone who fits with my family and my friends. Someone who wants to be part of the life I already have.

As for immediate nos — my expectations and my boundaries are so strong now that I feel like the nos get eliminated by an energetic force field. That probably sounds wild, but I do feel it. The two I'll say out loud: I wouldn't date a vegan, because I travel to eat and that's not negotiable for me. And I couldn't date a Disney adult. I'd rather put those dollars toward a foreign country.

What I Would Tell the Woman Who's Still in an Affair

This question is exactly why I coach women. So I want to be really clear:

You are worthy of somebody who can be with you out loud. 100%, 100% of the time. I completely understand how much you love him. I get it, because I lived it. But you are worthy of somebody who can give you 100%, 100% of the time.

That's the answer. That's the whole answer.

What I'd Tell Single Women in Their Early 30s

Here's what I'd tell them. You probably know really well what it feels like to feel no. You meet someone at a bar and you go, no, not for me. You walk into a first date from an app and you go, no, not what I pictured.

You need to work equally as hard at understanding what those feelings feel like when they mean yes. That takes getting to know yourself. It takes knowing who you are, what you need, how you want to be loved, and what you want a relationship to look like, feel like, sound like — all of it.

Because so many people get into relationships where they're so sure of what their no feels like that they mistake the absence of no for the presence of yes. And that is not it. We should be looking for the presence of yes, not assuming it's there because there's no no.

That one is going on a graphic somewhere. I impressed myself with that answer.

FAQ

What's the best advice for women who are currently the other woman?

You are worthy of someone who can be with you out loud, 100% of the time. The relationship you're in might feel like the love of your life, but the configuration of it — the secrecy, the partial access, the waiting — is not what you're worth. There is a version of your life on the other side of this where you don't have to hide, and you deserve to live it.

Do affairs with married men ever work out?

Sometimes they do, but the data is not on your side. More importantly, even when they "work out," they often come with significant trust issues, social fallout, and unresolved patterns that follow you into the new relationship. The better question to sit with is whether you actually want what you're in, or whether you want what you think it could turn into.

How do you start dating again after divorce?

Slowly, and only when you actually want to. Get clear on what you want your next relationship to add to your life — not save you from. Pay attention to what feels exciting versus what feels stressful. If a dating app makes you feel stressed every time you open it, that's a sign, not a discipline problem.

How do you know if a relationship is right for you?

Stop only listening for your no. Most people are great at recognizing what they don't want and assume the absence of no means yes. It doesn't. Work just as hard at understanding what yes actually feels like in your body so you can recognize the right relationship when it arrives, instead of just relaxing into one that doesn't repel you.

What does self-worth look like in dating in your 40s?

It looks like raising your standards to the point where most of the wrong people don't make it close enough to be a "no." It looks like not chasing, not performing, not shrinking, not waiting to be picked. It looks like building a life so good that anyone you let into it has to actually add value to be there.

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