Why I Don't Regret Being the Other Woman — And Why I Won't Perform Shame for You

I was the other woman for five years and I don't regret it. I would do it again if I went back in time and I was the exact same version of me I was then. And no, I'm not going to apologize for that.

That's the sentence that breaks people. That's the line that lights up my comment section every single week with strangers who have decided they know me well enough to assign me a feeling I'm supposed to be having. Shame. Regret. Remorse. An apology tour. A grovel.

I'm not doing it. I never will. And here's why.

Why I don't regret being the other woman

Regret would require me wanting to be a different person than the woman I am today. I don't. The woman who fell in love with a married man five years ago is part of the architecture of who I am right now. The lessons, the heartbreak, the growth, the boundary I now refuse to waver on. All of it lives in me. Erasing that chapter erases this one.

This version of me would never enter into a relationship like that again. My confidence is too high. My self-worth is too solid. My boundaries are too clear. But the version of me back then? Yeah, she would. And I'm not going to hate her for it. She got me here.

A lot of people conflate "I would do it again" with "I think it was right." Those are not the same sentence. I'm not saying it was right. I'm saying it was mine. And I refuse to be ashamed of a chapter that taught me everything.

The difference between accountability and shame

This is the heart of it. People confuse these two things constantly, and the confusion is what fuels most of the noise in my comments.

Accountability is understanding why I made the choices I made. It's knowing what I would choose differently today. It's taking responsibility for the impact I had. Accountability is grounded, clear, and it leads somewhere.

Shame is hating myself forever on a schedule that makes you comfortable. It's performing self-hatred so other people can feel better about watching me. It's a costume.

I chose accountability. I will not choose shame. And the people who can't tell the difference between the two are usually the ones who've never had to do either.

The myth that the other woman is the architect of betrayal

One of the things that gets distorted in my comments most is the wife. People love to write paragraphs about how I destroyed her life, broke her marriage, ruined her children. I didn't have a relationship with her. I wasn't strategizing against her. I wasn't sitting around thinking about her. I was loving someone who loved me back, and his marriage was his to manage.

The framing that the other woman is somehow the architect of a betrayal she had no contractual obligation to prevent is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Women police other women so men don't have to be accountable. I opted out of that script the moment I started this podcast.

I didn't handcuff this man. I didn't force him into my world. He chose to be there. He made his own decisions. The blame that gets placed on the other woman while the husband walks free of public scrutiny is wild to me.

Every affair is different and the moral verdicts don't fit

Every affair has its own anatomy. In some cases the wife knows. In some cases she doesn't. In some cases the marriage survives. In some cases it was already over in everything but paperwork. The people who flatten all of it into one verdict have usually never been inside a story like this. They've watched one from the outside, usually on TV, usually written by someone who needed a villain.

I'm not a villain in a screenplay. I'm a woman who lived something complicated, walked out of it on my own terms, and came out the other side more honest than most people will ever be.

And the moral high ground is easy to take when you've never actually been there. The people loudest about how I should feel are almost always the people who've never lived inside the nuance.

The comment section is not my audience

I love the views. I love the listens. But the people in my comments dedicated to misunderstanding me are not who I'm here for. My audience is the woman who is currently in an affair, terrified, isolated, googling at 2 a.m. wondering if anyone has ever lived this and made it out whole.

She doesn't need me to grovel. She needs me to tell the truth so she can stop believing she's irredeemable. The performance some viewers demand wouldn't help anyone. It would just make them feel better about watching.

You are not defined by one chapter of your life. That is the most important thing I have ever said on this show. You are not defined by one chapter of your life. I took everything I learned, I let go of the parts that hurt, and I built a life I love. Every woman listening can do the same.

That's the work. That's the conversation. And I'm going to keep having it, regardless of who shows up in the comments to tell me how I should feel.

FAQ

What's the difference between accountability and shame after an affair?

Accountability is understanding why you made the choices you made, knowing what you'd do differently now, and taking responsibility for the impact. Shame is hating yourself forever for being the person who made the choice. Accountability leads to growth. Shame keeps you stuck performing for everyone else.

Why don't you regret being the other woman?

Because regretting it would require wanting to be a different person than I am today. That relationship shaped who I am, what I've learned, and the boundaries I now have. I love who I am. I wouldn't erase the chapter that built me.

Would you do it again?

Yes, but only if I went back as the exact same version of myself I was then. As the woman I am today, no. My self-worth, boundaries, and expectations would never allow me to be in that situation now. The two are very different operations and people often confuse them.

Doesn't the other woman ruin the wife's life?

Every affair is different and I can only speak to mine. I wasn't in a relationship with his wife. I wasn't strategizing against her. The framing that the other woman is the architect of a betrayal she had no contractual obligation to prevent is a script I've opted out of. The husband made his own choices.

Why talk about this publicly instead of moving on quietly?

Because these relationships happen everywhere, all the time, and the silence around them makes women feel like they're the only one. Talking about it isn't normalizing it. It's naming it. Women find each other and stop carrying the shame alone when someone is willing to say the truth out loud.

🌱 Tired of performing fine? Get The Self-Worth Reset.
❤️‍🔥 Want to learn more about The Scarlet Edit? Start here.
🍒 Interested in working with me? Let’s chat.
📲 Subscribe to the show on Apple, Spotify or YouTube so you don’t miss an episode!
💌 Want more conversations like this? Sign up for the newsletter below.