What About Me? On Self-Worth, Not Being Chosen, and Being Single in Midlife

I've had my dog for fifteen and a half years. And in the voice I made up for him, one of the things I've said the most over those years is, "Hey guys, what about me?" I usually say it when I'm getting ready to leave and he's prancing after me with that look in his eye. It's cute. It's silly.

A couple of weeks ago I stopped and asked myself why I say that. Why that specific phrase. And the answer came back fast: I've been feeling some version of "what about me?" since I was a kid.

This is the reflection after really thinking about that.

The video that made me realize I'm not the only one

The thought had been floating in and out for a few weeks when I saw a video. A man talking about being single in midlife. About how it can be quiet. About how it can be kind of lonely. About how everyone has so much going on and time is moving at lightning speed and that combination can leave you sitting in a kind of stillness you didn't expect.

That resonated. My life is busy and fun. I have a lot going on. But quiet is a real thing in midlife, and it's worth naming.

When I think about "what about me?" against the backdrop of that quiet, two areas of my life light up: relationships and friendships.

I was the common denominator in every relationship I've ever had

I've had four real, committed relationships from post-college forward. A couple of months ago I had a moment where I looked at all four and felt the floor drop out a little. I was the common denominator. Every single one.

If you've ever sat with that thought, you know how uncomfortable it is. Because if I'm the common denominator, then I have to look at my role. Not in a self-flagellating way. In a real way.

So I asked myself the questions you have to ask:

What was I settling for? What was I outwardly okay with that inwardly I was not? What frustrations did I not voice instead of bringing them forward? What was lacking that I overlooked because I wanted it to work?

And underneath all of it, the question that was actually running the show: was I worthy of being chosen the way I wanted to be chosen?

The self-worth piece I kept missing

I built a whole free resource called The Self-Worth Reset because of this. Not because I had it figured out, but because I went back and saw clearly that self-worth was what was lacking in every one of those relationships. Not entirely. I had some. But not enough to draw the lines I needed to draw.

I hadn't figured out how to value myself yet. I hadn't figured out how to set boundaries that meant something. I hadn't figured out how to say, "If you can't give me this, I need to go."

Boundaries are a level of self-respect. They're the way you tell yourself, "I matter enough to hold this line." And when you don't have them, you'll keep getting into the same shape of relationship with different faces.

I don't have to prove my self-worth to anyone. Not to a man I'm dating. Not to a friend. Not to a stranger on the internet. I said that twice in the episode on purpose. I needed to hear it twice. Maybe you do too.

Friendships are a different nut to crack

The "what about me?" question shows up in friendships in a differeny way. A few weeks ago I talked about a conversation with a girlfriend who told me she wasn't looking for her husband to be her best friend because that role was already filled. By her girls.

Female friendships are their own ecosystem. There's something about girlhood — the silliness, the inside jokes, the shorthand, the bathroom-stall tampon handoff to a complete stranger — that exists at a frequency only women get.

I sometimes feel real envy watching younger women have the kind of friendships I had almost twenty years ago. Not jealousy. Envy. I had it. I miss it. A friend who was my plus one to everything. Where it wasn't "are you free tonight?" — it was "what are we doing tonight?"

I'm so grateful I got to experience that. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want it again.

The friendship that ended without my choice

A couple of years ago, a friendship I'd had for decades ended. One I was certain would last forever. One where we'd used the words "twin flames." And then it was over.

I racked my brain for months. Reread text threads. Tried to find what I might have said, what I might have done, what could have come across in a way I didn't intend. The answer was nothing. I didn't do anything wrong. She just chose to end it. I have my thoughts on why, but I don’t think I will actually ever know.

And here's where the self-worth piece comes back in: there's no going back from that now. Not because I'm bitter. Because the bar I hold myself to today is too high to revisit something that ended that way. That makes me sad sometimes. I'll see a photo pop up and notice she's doing great and I'm no longer part of it. Then I remind myself — I'm also doing great, and she's no longer part of mine. And that’s life, baby!

Eight months in, a touch lonely, and choosing to do something about it

I'm eight months into a new state, in a new city, single. I find myself a little lonely some days, wondering what the next six months will look like. But also excited in a way that I haven’t yet experienced. I am building something real here, so the silence and quiet at times, I just believe is a part of it.

That said, nobody is coming to ring my doorbell. Nobody is going to show up and announce we're friends now. If I want this part of my life to change, I have to be the one to do something about it. So this week I'm finally going to go try one of the things I've been telling myself I'll try since I moved here in October. A workout class. The simplest thing. And I'm putting it on this podcast on purpose, so if you listen and don't see a follow-up, you can give me shit for it.

What about me? doesn't need an answer

I wasn't looking for an answer when I started this episode. I still don't have one.

What I have instead is the willingness to ask the question out loud. To name something I imagine a lot of women are feeling and not saying. And to trust that naming it is, on its own, useful.

The more we share, the less alone any of us feels. That's the whole point.

FAQ

What does "what about me?" mean in relationships?

It's the feeling of not being prioritized, chosen, or seen the way you want to be by the person you're with. It often shows up when you're giving more than you're getting, settling for less than you want, or quietly wondering if you're worthy of being chosen at all. Naming it is the first step toward changing the pattern.

Why am I the common denominator in all my failed relationships?

Because you're the one constant in every relationship you've had. That's uncomfortable but also empowering. It means looking honestly at what you were settling for, what you overlooked, and whether your self-worth was high enough to set the boundaries you needed. The pattern doesn't mean you're broken. It means there's something to learn.

How do I know if I'm worthy of being chosen?

Worthiness isn't something someone else confirms for you. It's a relationship with yourself. If you're waiting for a partner to prove you're worthy, you'll keep choosing people who make you fight for it. The shift happens when you decide your worth isn't up for debate and stop trying to earn it from anyone.

Why is being single in midlife so lonely?

Midlife is the loneliest decade for many adults. Friends are deep in their own lives — kids, careers, caregiving — and the casual hang time of younger years disappears. Add being single to that, and quiet sets in. It's not a personal failure. It's structural. The fix is being the initiator and showing up consistently.

How do you recover from losing a long-term friendship as an adult?

You grieve it like a breakup, because it is one. You reflect honestly on your role without taking on what wasn't yours. You let your self-worth set the bar for whether reconnection would ever be on the table. And you let yourself be sad about it without making the loss bigger than your life.

Episodes referenced here & here.

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