Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

Yes. No. Maybe. Let's Discuss.

You’ve heard it many times before and you’ll hear it many times again.

“Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

“How you get them is how you’ll lose them.”

Often spoken by people who have never experienced infidelity on any side of the coin, (one of my hard and fast truths is that we will never know how we will react to any situation in life until presented with said situation ourselves, but oh boyyy is it easy to judge and analyze from the sidelines), people who staunchly believe people can and do not change, or by people who have been burned really, really badly.

But if we sit and actually discuss the statement, look at the data, and be honest with ourselves, can we really make such a bold, blanket argument?

I don’t think so.

Personally, I have never believed infidelity to be so absolute.

Are you telling me a 17 year old kid who has a girlfriend and who makes out with another girl at a high school party, is destined to be a “cheater” because of that? Or is he just a high school kid with raging hormones who got overwhelmed by the fact a pretty girl wanted to kiss him?

Of course there is a lesson to be learned in this instance. One about loyalty, commitment, and being mindful of others feelings. If that lesson is truly learned, is he still branded with that label forever?

Since the majority of my audience is adult and in the age range of marriage, divorce, kids, second marriages, etc., let’s look through that lens.

When I interviewed Paul Keable from Ashley Madison, I learned that of their 90M (yes, that is NINETY MILLION) members worldwide:

• 80% of the female membership report being in sexless or unfulfilling marriages

• Most men aren’t just seeking sex, they’re looking for emotional validation

• Affairs are most likely to begin during two life stages: after the first child & after the kids leave home

In an article from PMC, it discussed how prior acts of infidelity are a meaningful risk marker, but not a guarantee of future behavior.

It also discussed serial cheaters (people who cheat in every relationship they are in, or someone who consistently cheats on a long-term partner) versus one time cheaters and the differences between the two.

A serial cheater is often paired with entitlement, low empathy/accountability, chronic secrecy / compartmentalization, and is usually connected to deeper issues that have not been addressed.

A one time cheater is often tied to a specific context (life transition, untreated resentment, loneliness, conflict avoidance, opportunity + poor boundaries), feeling remorseful or self-disgust, and having a willingness to unpack the “why”.

Another piece of data from the PMC article that I found absolutely mind blowing was if someone’s partner cheated in a prior relationship, they were ~2 times more likely to experience partner cheating again; if they suspected partner cheating before, they were ~4 times more likely to suspect it again.

Is this as insane to you as it is to me?

Of course I would never blame the person who got cheated on. However, this data forces me to wonder, what attributes, personality traits or energy are people drawn to, and is that changeable?

I am grateful that I have not been cheated on (to my knowledge anyway), but I would certainly take a good hard look inward if I was and knew that the odds were 2x that it would happen again. What can I change to decrease those odds?

Based on the above, my thoughts on “Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater” remain unchanged. I do not believe this to be true.

That said, I think the root of any and all relationship failures come down to communication.

Easier said than done, I know, I know, I know.

But if you’re in a sexless marriage, if you are feeling emotionally neglected, isn’t a hard conversation with your spouse or significant other worth avoiding the alternative, if the alternative is infidelity?

I certainly think so.

If you don’t try, you’ll never know.

I talked about this in this episode of The Scarlet Edit, live on all platforms.

Feel free to check it out!

And if you loved it, give it a 5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ rating and tell me what you think!

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