Do You Know How You Like Your Eggs?

On dating separated men, self-discovery, and why healing takes longer than you think.

I posed this question on Threads:

“Single women in your 40’s - do you date men who are separated/going through a divorce?”

The question received 141 comments, and the overwhelming majority was no, they don’t.

Some of the main reasons to support the answer of no:

• “It needs to be done-done with plenty of time single afterward to have learned and grown as a person.”

• “No. Everyone needs time to heal. Until the ink is dry, that book is still being written.”

• “No, absolutely not. They need to be free and clear, and hopefully had plenty of time to do some healing.”

• “Nope, and not within the first year after, either. All these women rushing to date these guys who haven't taken the time to heal and work on themselves are making them think they don't need to and can just expect the new woman to fix them.”

There were a few answers saying yes, but with stipulations of divorce papers filed, having been on the side of divorce themselves where the final paperwork was taking time, or because they weren’t looking for something serious.

And, there was one man who bravely chimed in saying how based on these responses, he would be sure to stay away from the 40’s crowd as he was about to be separated himself. (Ohh the thoughts I have on this.)

What was clear from this exercise is how many women in their 40’s who are single and wanting to be in partnership, have spent time on themselves.

As someone who has done just that, it is wild to me that anyone would want to get out of one relationship and immediately get into another, without taking time for themselves.

Especially considering that many people divorcing in this age range have been in their relationships for 20+ years, and just stop and think how much changes in 20+ years!

Marriage, jobs, kids, moves, travel, good times, bad times, sad times, so much individual growth, and the roles that each individual inevitably plays inside those relationships.

When a long term relationship ends, it’s a whole new world.

I think back to Julia Roberts’ character in Runaway Bride. Richard Gere’s character had asked her how she liked her eggs. She couldn’t answer, because she had always ordered her eggs how the man in her life had ordered his.

Those are the things that happen when a relationship ends and you end up single after decades. You realize things about yourself that you hadn’t considered or thought of before. Maybe you suck at doing laundry. Maybe you have never paid a bill online. Maybe you only know how to scramble eggs and pour cereal and quickly realize a grown adult needs more to survive. Maybe you haven’t spent hours, let alone days on end with your children on your own.

It’s critically important to spend time learning about yourself, figuring out what you like and don’t like, who you are and who you want to be.

Reflect on the relationship that ended. Who you were, what behaviors were normal, that maybe shouldn’t have been. Areas that you fell short, areas where you excelled, and the moments and memories of love, that changed you for the better.

There’s so much life on the other side of change.

It can be scary to start.

Nerve wracking to look in the mirror and decide if you like who you see.

But piece by piece, there’s so much beauty in the rebuild.

So much strength in a new sense of self worth.

And so much pride in working through the chaos and the pain to decide to live again.

Set boundaries. Stick to them. See how it feels.

Figure out what your priorities are for this next relationship.

Build a life that is worth living and be excited about all your weirdness.

I find myself incredibly grateful for the life that I have built on my own, and am excited for the person who gets to come along and enjoy it with me.

Do I have high standards and expectations? Hell yes I do.

But do I know that when that person comes along, it is going to be worth all the peaks and valleys it took to get there?

Absofuckinlutely.

I talked all about this in more in this week’s epsiode of The Scarlet Edit.

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