Why Don't I Feel Guilty About My Affair? Shame, Guilt, and What Society Expects

A Stranger Called Me a Whore Online

Last week I wrote an article on my Substack. A man commented on it with one line: so basically you're a whore.

Okay, thanks, love you. Blocked and deleted.

The comment didn't hurt my feelings. What surprised me was that I was surprised. Why on earth would I think any platform is free from trolls? None of them are.

It got me thinking about how people read one article, watch one video, or listen to one podcast and decide who you are. Then they call you names based on that one piece.

Picture this happening in real life. You're out for a walk, and a stranger runs up to you and yells, you're a whore. Everyone around you would stop and ask what the fuck just happened. Online, we're used to it.

I think things about what I read and watch, too. I'll see something and think, well, that was stupid. I don't comment it. If you don't like something, scroll.

Shame vs Guilt: What's the Difference?

That comment is a pretty good summary of what people expect me to think about myself. So let's talk about shame.

Shame is about how we look at ourselves internally. It says, I am a bad person. I am not okay.

Guilt is about something you did. It says, I feel bad that I did that, or I feel bad that I said that.

A lot of that "I am bad" feeling comes from what we think other people will think of us. What the audience will think. What society will think. And sometimes it isn't about an action at all. It can be about something we are, something we don't love about ourselves, so we assume other people won't like us for it either.

Last October I had Dr. Zoe Shaw on the show to talk about shame and complex shame. If shame is something you carry, go listen.

Why Society Expects You to Feel Ashamed After an Affair

If you've been involved in an affair, society expects you to be ashamed of yourself. It expects you to take accountability in certain ways, to repent, to feel guilty. I'm using words straight from comments people have left me.

It doesn't matter which role you played. The spouse who cheated, the other woman, the other man. The expectation is that you feel bad and that you'll ask the world for forgiveness.

My question is why. Why is that the expectation? Why do we owe strangers some sort of repentance or apology?

Why I Don't Feel Guilty About My Affair

If you know me, you know that's not the framework I operate in.

I don't feel shame. I don't regret my decision to be in the relationship I was in. I don't feel guilty, I don't feel bad, and I won't sit and ask the world, aka strangers, for forgiveness.

That bothers people. It rubs people the wrong way. What's interesting is how many of you who listen, and how many women I've worked with as clients, have told me you feel the same way.

An affair is a period of time in your life. You're experiencing things, often things you've never experienced before, and you grow and change inside that relationship.

When it ends, and I say this with love to anyone still hoping it works out the way you daydream about, the odds are so low, you're a different version of yourself on the other side.

For me, and for a lot of women who've been the other woman, there comes a point where you're like, I'm fucking done. I can't do this anymore. That's you taking back your own power. You stop waiting for him and start living for yourself.

Then you have to figure out what you're doing with your life. I had not claimed my own self-worth. I hadn't put together boundaries and then enforced them, and enforcing a boundary is ten times harder than creating one.

When you've made those changes and you look back at that relationship, it's very hard to say I feel so bad that I did that. A lot of us just don't, because we've come so far as a result.

I'm not sorry. I love who I am on this side of it.

I'm Not Condoning Affairs

If this is your first time here, let me be very clear. I don't condone affairs. I don't encourage them. I'm not telling you to go be the other woman or go cheat on your spouse.

The Scarlet Edit is about infidelity from the inside. This was my experience, this is how I felt, this is how I feel now.

I'm also not ignorant. Affairs happen everywhere. Just because you don't know someone involved in one doesn't mean there isn't someone in your life who is. They just haven't told you. Nobody brings it up at the holiday dinner table.

And nobody knows the inner workings of a relationship except the two people in it. Think about the couple whose every post is butterflies and rainbows, and then all of a sudden they're getting divorced. You don't know what's going on behind closed doors. None of us do.

Can You Force Yourself to Feel Shame?

I'm sure there are relationships where people do feel guilt or shame. I also don't think it's that unusual for people not to.

So here's my question for anyone getting pissed off at me right now: can you force yourself to feel a way that you don't? About anything in your life?

I've asked myself whether something is missing, whether something is lacking in me that I don't feel these things. I came up with nothing. I never felt that way. It wasn't that I got on the other side and the guilt disappeared. It was never there.

I can't force myself to feel a way I don't. Neither can you.

FAQ

What is the difference between shame and guilt?

Guilt is about something you did: I feel bad that I did that. Shame is about who you are: I am bad. A lot of shame comes from what we believe other people will think of us, and it doesn't always come from something we've done.

Is it normal not to feel guilty after an affair?

I don't feel guilt, shame, or regret about my affair, and many of my listeners and clients have told me they feel the same. Every relationship is different, and some people do feel guilt. I don't think it's unusual not to.

Why does society expect people involved in an affair to feel ashamed?

There's an expectation that anyone involved, whether they cheated or were the other woman or other man, should repent, feel guilty, and ask the world for forgiveness. I hear it constantly in my comments. I don't think anyone owes strangers that.

Does not feeling guilty mean you condone affairs?

No. I don't condone or encourage affairs. I talk about infidelity from the inside, my experience and how I feel about it now, because affairs happen everywhere whether people talk about them or not.

Do affairs usually end?

If you're in one and hoping it works out the way you daydream about, the odds are very low. When it ends, you'll be a different version of yourself on the other side of it.

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