Should You Tell a New Partner You Were the Other Woman? What Happened When I Did

If you were part of an affair, at some point you're going to wonder when to tell someone new. First date? Third? Never?

I decided the answer was right away.

The first time I started dating again was about a year after my ex and I broke up. I'd been going out a lot, traveling a little, meeting people organically and on Bumble. And I made a call. I wasn't going to hide the fact that I was the other woman. I was going to lead with it.

My logic was simple. If I don't tell you, it gets awkward. Now I'm carrying something I have to tell you eventually, and I'm trying to figure out when the right time is. So why not tell you from the jump?

What happened the first time I told men I was the other woman

Back then, on paper, the men I attracted were everything I wanted. You know the list. In reality? They were married. Or they had a girlfriend. Or they were "separated," living on a friend's couch and trying to come across like they were already divorced.

It got worse. Some of them seemed to think that because I was so upfront about my prior relationship, I'd want to do something like that again. With them.

Absolutely fucking not.

I'm not going to pretend it rolled right off me. I shed some tears. I felt really bad. I was looking at a chapter of my life I can't change, that I wouldn't change, and that I can't hide, and wondering if this was what I'd be dealing with on a regular basis.

Why I put dating on pause

That experience challenged me. It was one of the reasons I decided to stop dating for a while and work on myself instead. I wanted to see what happened, and see when I was ready to put myself back out there.

Dating again with my past out in the open

Round two looked nothing like round one.

This time The Scarlet Edit is public. It's on all of my social media. I lead with it in literally everything. When I matched with men on Hinge this summer, my approach was: here's my podcast, check it out, and if you'd still like to go out with me, let me know.

No issues.

The men I attracted this time didn't ask me a bunch of questions. If it came up, it came up naturally in conversation. It was almost like they didn't give a shit. They were handsome, successful, and had a lot of the qualities I'm looking for.

And they were single. Which, obviously, is what I want.

That built my confidence in ways I didn't expect. It told me two things. I'm going to be able to attract the kind of men I want. And this isn't going to be a big deal.

Men lying about their age on dating apps

Honesty on the apps goes both ways, and midlife dating is full of people who skip it.

I matched with a man on Hinge whose profile said he was 48. His main photo looked a little smoothed over. Then he made the fatal mistake. He posted a video of himself swinging a golf club.

That was not the golf swing of a 48-year-old man. That was the golf swing of a 65-year-old man.

I unmatched him without saying anything. Rude? Maybe. But I knew he was lying about his age. Whether it's your age, your height, or retouched photos, if you start off lying, you're starting off on the wrong foot.

Dating in your 40s: the range is wild

One of the most nuts parts of being a woman in her 40s is how many decades you can date. Men in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s.

Do I recommend the 20s? I've yet to meet a man in his 20s where we had something to talk about that wasn't just fun and superficial.

On the other end, I have a hard line. My dad is 80. I don't want to date a man who's closer in age to my dad than to me. Especially when my dad has golfing buddies in their 50s and 60s.

And age on paper tells you almost nothing. My ex was 10 years older than me and young in spirit, in looks, in energy. When I got back on the apps, I saw men in their early 50s who looked old and moved old. Genetics, how we take care of ourselves, whatever it is, the range is enormous.

The right people won't care

My clients worry about this. So do a lot of the women in my DMs. Will the affair follow me forever? Will every man I meet treat it like a dealbreaker, or worse, an invitation?

The right people will come along and they won't care. They'll be just as confident as you are. They won't look at your past like you did something horrible and should be punished for it.

They'll just want to get to know you.

FAQ

Should I tell a new partner I was the other woman?

I did, and I'd do it again. Leading with it saves you from the awkward question of when the right time is. The first time I did it, it attracted married and attached men. The second time, with my story fully public, it attracted single men who didn't make a big deal of it.

When is the right time to tell someone you were involved in an affair?

When I first started dating again, I chose to tell men from the jump, because holding it back made every early date feel like a countdown to a confession. This summer on Hinge, I shared my podcast before the first date and let them decide if they still wanted to go out.

Will being honest about an affair attract the wrong men?

It did for me the first time. Some men assumed my honesty meant I'd want to be the other woman again. After I took time to work on myself and came back leading with my story, the men I attracted were single, successful, and not bothered by it.

What should you do if a dating app match lies about his age?

I unmatched a man on Hinge whose profile said 48 but whose golf swing said 65. Lying about your age, height, or photos starts things off on the wrong foot, and I don't need to start there.

Can you date successfully after being the other woman?

Yes. The right people won't treat your past like something you should be punished for. The men I've dated since leading with my story didn't ask a bunch of questions, and when it came up, it came up naturally.

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