Do Happy People Cheat? I Don't Think So.

Affairs Just Happen, Too. Let’s Talk About It.

There's a statistic that gets thrown around constantly in the infidelity space. A 2020 study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy found that 56% of men and 34% of women who cheat rate their marriages as "happy" or "very happy." You've probably seen it. It shows up in therapy blogs, Reddit threads, podcasts, news articles — everywhere. And it's used to push this narrative that cheating is random, unpredictable, and completely unrelated to the state of the relationship. That it could happen to anyone, even in a good marriage.

I call BS. Not on the data itself, but on what people are doing with it.

Let me start with the obvious: self-reporting is inherently flawed. Of course people who cheat say they're happy. Admitting your marriage is unhappy means admitting you have a problem. It means confronting something that's broken. And for a lot of people, that's harder than just stepping out. It's easier to check the "happy" box on a survey than to sit with the truth that something in your relationship isn't working.

And here's the thing — "happy" has become an incredibly low bar. You're not fighting all the time? Happy. The kids are good? Happy. Nice house, decent vacations? Happy. But is that actually happiness, or is that just comfort? Contentment? Functioning? I think there's a massive difference between being happy with your life and being happy in your relationship, and people conflate those two things constantly. You can love your spouse, love your family, love the life you've built together — and still be deeply unfulfilled in ways you can't even articulate. That's not happy. That's getting by.

It's also worth noting that this study came out in 2020, which means the data was likely collected in 2018 or 2019 — pre-pandemic. And I think we can all agree that the last six years have stress-tested a lot of marriages. Divorce rates spiked. Ashley Madison's membership increased by around 30% during COVID. People were stuck at home with nowhere to hide — no office, no happy hours, no kids' sports, no distractions. A lot of cracks showed up that the busyness of daily life had been covering. I genuinely wonder if they ran this study again today, whether fewer people would check that "happy" box.

Here's the part that tends to piss people off: I firmly believe that nobody wakes up and decides to have an affair. Nobody puts that on their to-do list. Nobody gets in the shower on a Monday morning and thinks, "You know what? I'm going to blow up my life this week." That's not how it works. It starts with a conversation that goes a little too long. A text that feels a little too good. Someone who sees you in a way your spouse hasn't in years. And then one day you're in it and you don't even know how you got there.

I commented on an Instagram reel recently about this — how you don't know what you'd do until you're actually in the situation. A woman responded by saying she'd endured years of trauma and never cheated, and that your "true character" shows when times are tough. And I get that perspective. But that wasn't my point at all. I'm not saying everyone will cheat. I'm saying the people who are so confident they never would don't actually know that until they've been tested. Some will and some won't. But the certainty itself is the problem — because it's coming from a place of judgment, not experience.

From what I've seen in my own life and in the lives of people around me, nobody who ended up in an affair was rubbing their hands together like a villain. They were lonely. They felt invisible. They were starving for something they weren't getting. And then someone showed up and gave it to them. That doesn't justify it. But it explains it. And there's a huge difference between those two things.

Ashley Madison actually has data on why people sign up, and it's not "I hate my spouse." It's emotional disconnection. Feeling invisible. Wanting to feel desired again. Dead bedrooms. People who describe everything in their lives as great — except they have no intimacy with their partner anymore. These are people who would probably check the "happy" box on a survey too. But they're on Ashley Madison. So what does "happy" actually mean?

When we keep pushing this narrative that happy people cheat, we're letting everyone off the hook from doing the hard work of examining what's actually going on in their relationship. It becomes this scary, random, unpredictable thing instead of something with identifiable patterns and causes. And I think that's lazy.

I said it in a previous episode and I'll say it again: happiness is a choice. It's not something that happens to you. It's not achieved once you hit some milestone. It's something you actively choose every single day — for your life and for your relationship. And most people in marriages they call "happy" aren't actually choosing happiness. They're choosing comfort. Routine. The path of least resistance. And then they're surprised when someone else makes them feel alive.

If you're actively choosing your partner, having the tough conversations, saying "something feels off and I need to talk about it" — you're not the person who ends up with cracks. You're not the person lying on a survey after an affair saying your marriage was happy. You're the person who did the work so that never happened.

I actually think this stat should be reassuring, not terrifying. It means that if you're paying attention to your relationship, you're not powerless. But it requires honesty. And most people would rather check the happy box than do the uncomfortable work of saying "something is missing."

So no, I don't think happy people cheat. I think people who think they're happy cheat. And those are very different things.

Frequently Asked Questions

Do people cheat even in happy marriages? Research suggests that over half of men and about a third of women who cheat self-report as happy in their marriages. However, self-reporting is flawed — admitting unhappiness means confronting a problem, which many people avoid. Being content or comfortable in a marriage is not the same as being genuinely fulfilled, and that distinction matters when examining why affairs happen.

Why do people cheat if they say they're happy? In many cases, people conflate happiness with their overall life — career, kids, home, lifestyle — rather than evaluating their actual relationship satisfaction. Unmet emotional or physical needs, feeling invisible to a partner, or a lack of intimacy can exist even when other parts of life are going well. The affair often fills a specific gap the person may not have been able to name or ask for.

Can affairs happen without someone planning them? Yes. Most affairs don't start with a conscious decision. They begin gradually — a conversation that goes too far, a connection that fills a void, a moment where someone feels seen in a way they haven't in a long time. The lack of intent doesn't excuse the behavior, but understanding the pattern can help people recognize vulnerability in their own relationships before it leads somewhere unintended.

Is cheating always about sex? No. Data from platforms like Ashley Madison shows that emotional disconnection, feeling invisible, and wanting to feel desired are among the most common reasons people seek out affairs. Many people describe their relationships as satisfying in most ways except intimacy or emotional connection, which suggests cheating is often about unmet needs beyond the physical.

How can couples prevent infidelity? Actively choosing your partner every day, having uncomfortable conversations about what's working and what isn't, and being honest when something feels off are the strongest protections against infidelity. Couples who address cracks early rather than avoiding difficult topics are far less likely to find themselves in situations where an affair develops.

Listen to this episode, here.

❤️‍🔥 Want to learn more about The Scarlet Edit? Start here.
📲 Subscribe to the show on Apple, Spotify or YouTube so you don’t miss an episode!
💌 Want more conversations like this? Sign up for the newsletter below.