Why I Stopped Taking Dating Advice From My Friends

I'm writing this from Greece. Chapter three of The Summer of George, and I picked the dating diary back up right where I left it: seeing someone for about three weeks, and somewhere in those three weeks, the feelings I swore I wasn't looking for showed up anyway.

Which is funny, because when I started dating again I genuinely didn't think I'd meet anyone I actually liked. I figured it would be about going on dates and meeting people and filling my time. Not this. So now I'm 7,000 miles from home, feelings involved, and I've had a lot of slow Greek mornings to think about what I've actually learned about dating in my 40s.

Why taking dating advice from friends can backfire

This is what I keep coming back to. A few years ago I was freshly-ish single, nowhere near ready to date, and I'd gotten myself into a relationship that was making me miserable. So I did what most of us do. I vented to a friend.

She was younger than me, by at least ten or twelve years, and she wanted marriage and babies. I didn't want either. So every time I brought her my unhappiness, her advice came back wrong for me. Not because she was a bad friend. Because she was looking at my life through her lens.

That's what nobody tells you about taking dating advice from friends. The people you love are answering from the life they want. If your friend's dream is a husband and kids and yours isn't, her read on your relationship is going to be filtered through her dream, not yours.

I've thought about this often since that realization. When my friends come to me now, I try hard not to hand them advice built on what I'd want for me. I don't always get it right, nobody does, but I'm aware of it. And I'd tell you to be aware of it too, on both sides of the conversation.

Catching feelings when you weren't looking for them

Back to the guy. Something happened between us that I'm keeping private, and it caused a pause in our communication right before I flew out. From 7,000 miles away, there was nothing I could do to fix it or push it or force a conversation. I had to let it be.

My outlook hasn't changed through any of it. One date at a time, one day at a time, living in the moment when the moment's actually there. That's the whole approach, and it holds up even when the feelings get real.

The only thing you can actually control

Letting that pause just be, without spiraling, is not something old me could have done. I was the biggest control freak you'd ever meet. It was one of my nicknames in my family, and I finally let it go because it wasn't serving me. All it did was stress me out.

Here's what I know now: the only thing I control is me, right here, right now. Not another person's feelings. Not their thoughts. Not their reactions to whatever life throws at them. I can want things, wish for things, plan for things. None of that puts a single other person under my control. Once that actually clicks, life gets a lot lighter.

Communication is the foundation of any relationship

If you've heard me on the main show, you've heard me say this more times than you can count: communication is number one. It's the foundation. Without it, whatever you're building is doomed, period. If two people can't talk to each other, it's never going to work.

So the pause was hard for me, because a lack of communication is the exact thing I can't do. But it also made me ask better questions. Am I communicating as well as I think I am? Can I articulate what I need, what I want, where my boundaries are? Am I willing to have the conversations that are uncomfortable for both of us? Those are the ones worth asking.

Why I won't say "all men are the worst"

One more thing, because it drives me a little crazy. I love my friends, I love their advice, and I love that they'll listen to my nonsense half the time. But I'm not a fan of absolutes, and I'm really not a fan of blanket statements.

You know the ones. "Men are the worst." "Men suck." No. That's just not true. Are there challenges out there in dating? A thousand percent. Does that mean every man is trash? No! I have a dad. I have a brother. I have male friends I think the world of.

I'm a words person, and I believe what we say, we attract. If I walk around announcing that I hate men and men are the worst, I'm going to pull the worst men right to me. If I say men are great, because I actually think they are, I've got a shot at the great ones. Watch the words you put out about dating. They're doing more than you think.

I'll leave you with the part of this that has nothing to do with dating and everything to do with why I keep coming back here. This is my third long stay in Greece. I know the streets now without my maps. The woman who sells honey at the farmer's market remembered me. So did the guy I buy eggs from. Having a place across the world that knows your face, when you're Greek and your grandparents came from here and never got to see it themselves, that's worth flying 7,000 miles for.

Frequently asked questions

Should you take dating advice from friends?

Of course you can, and should, but consider the source. Friends often give advice shaped by what they want for their own lives, not what you want for yours. Their input is most useful when they've lived something similar and can tell you what they learned instead of telling you what to do.

How do you stop catching feelings when you're not looking for a relationship?

You usually can't stop it, and trying to is a losing game. Feelings show up whether or not they were the plan. What helps is staying honest about your pace and remembering the only thing you control is how you show up, not how the other person feels.

Why is communication the foundation of a relationship?

Because everything else is built on it. If two people can't talk openly, especially when it's uncomfortable, problems have nowhere to go but underground. Naming your needs, wants, and boundaries out loud is what keeps a relationship from quietly falling apart.

How do you let go of being a control freak?

Start by getting clear on what's actually yours to control, which is basically just you: your words, your choices, your reactions. Other people's feelings and decisions were never on your list. Letting go of the rest lowers your stress far more than trying to manage it ever did.

🕸️Waiting to be chosen? Download The Affair Edit.
🌱 Tired of performing? Get The Self-Worth Reset.
❤️‍🔥 Want to learn more about The Scarlet Edit? Start here.
🍒 Interested in working with me? Let’s chat.
📲 Subscribe to the show on Apple, Spotify or YouTube so you don’t miss an episode!
💌 Want more conversations like this? Sign up for the newsletter below.