I talk a lot about choosing yourself. About knowing you deserve better and getting to the other side of a relationship that isn't serving you anymore. I believe every word of it. I've lived it.
And then the other night, a song stopped me cold.
The Song That Brought Grief Back Years Later
I follow a woman on Instagram who shares new music, and she posted a song from an artist I'd never heard of. I pulled it up. I loved the tone of his voice, what he was saying, the melody. All of it.
Then the thought showed up out of nowhere. You know who would really like this song? My ex.
We don't speak. I would never reach out after all this time with a "hey, heard this song, thought of you." I've also built an entire podcast and business around that relationship and around talking about affairs. So the moment was strange. There was a finality to it I didn't see coming.
Do I want him back? Absolutely not. Would I change anything? Absolutely not. But the moment of grief was real and I felt it was important to talk about.
Grieving an Affair Partner Is Grieving a Real Relationship
We grieve death. We grieve loss. Ending a relationship is loss.
People love to discount affairs as not real. You didn't live together. No kids, no shared bills. It was only about sex. I've heard every version, and we've talked through all of it on the show.
My relationship was very real. It was full of love, full of light, full of laughter, full of friendship. There was a lot that was good about it.
Did I choose to end it? Absolutely. Would I get into that kind of relationship again? No. This version of me knows she deserves better and doesn't want that. An old version of me did.
And this is the part that rubs people the wrong way. If I could go back in time as that same version of me, I would do it all over again. It got me here. I really love where I am.
Grief After an Affair Doesn't Care How Long It's Been
Grief is such a crazy thing. Years can pass and something still sneaks up on you. It had been so long since anything like this happened to me.
When you're in the middle of ending something, it's easy to believe nothing better will ever come along. I know for a fact that wasn't true for me. Bigger, more exciting, mind-altering things came along. That's exactly why a moment like this catches you off guard.
You can be happy in your life. You can want for nothing. You can be on the best trajectory you've ever been on and still have a moment where you grieve something from your past.
It doesn't mean you want to go back. It doesn't mean you wish things had turned out differently. It means you're human and you loved somebody. To me, that's probably the greatest gift.
What I Did With the Moment
Shortly after, a friend texted and asked me to come meet up. So I went.
I do some of my best thinking when I'm driving, and that drive gave me the time I needed. By the time I got where I was going, I'd processed it. It was one moment. Then I went and lived the great life I've got right now.
99.9% of the time, I don't grieve that relationship. When I look back on it, I'm grateful. I would ten times rather have felt love, given love, and received love than never have had it at all.
Being Happy for Other People Keeps Me Looking Forward
The other thing filling me up right now is how excited I am for the people around me. I'm a firm believer that the more good you look for and put out, the more good you find.
I've got friends exploring college towns they never would have seen because their kids picked out-of-state schools, and they're going to big college football games and having the best time. Another friend went to Europe once, caught the bug, and keeps going back. A woman I know who loves golf just got to play on a brand trip in the mountains. It could not have been more her.
If you need a pick-me-up, look around your circle. See who's winning. Get happy for them. Happiness is contagious.
Then there's my friend who got asked in a group chat how she met her boyfriend. A restaurant in her neighborhood, she said. It was luck.
It wasn't luck. In her last relationship, she said fuck this and chose herself. I told her exactly that. The universe is always paying attention.
FAQ
Is it normal to grieve an affair partner?
Yes. An affair is a real relationship, and ending one is a loss. Mine was full of love, laughter, and friendship, and even though I chose to end it, grief still showed up years later. Grieving him didn't mean I wanted him back.
Why does a song make me miss my ex years later?
For me, it was hearing something new and instantly knowing he would have loved it. Moments like that sneak up on you even when years have passed and you're happy. It's one moment, not proof you're stuck.
Does grieving an ex mean I made the wrong choice?
No. I'd never change my decision and I don't want him back, and I still had a moment of grief. You can love where you are and still grieve something from your past. It means you loved somebody.
Can you grieve a relationship you ended yourself?
Yes. I ended mine, and I'd make the same call again. Choosing to leave doesn't erase the love, the laughter, or the friendship that was there, so there can still be something to grieve.
How do you get through a sudden wave of grief over an ex?
What worked for me was letting the moment be a moment. I got in the car to meet a friend, did some of my best thinking on the drive, and by the time I arrived I'd processed it. Then I went back to living my life.
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