Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Christmas is a few weeks after that. Holidays mean parties, family dinners, and a calendar full of things you can't do together.
Affairs live behind closed doors. The holidays are when everything happens out in the open.
I've been there. I was the other woman, and I spent holidays by myself. I don't mean alone in a room. I was with my family and my friends. But I was sad. I was sad I wasn't spending time with him, and sad that he had more obligations that kept him from spending time with me.
So if I were your best friend and you were in an affair right now, here's what we'd talk about.
Why I Ended My Affair Around a Holiday
It was around a holiday when I finally ended that relationship. I was fed up. I was frustrated. I was tired. And I was so sick of spending holidays apart that I said, I can't do this anymore.
I'm not here to tell you what to do with your relationship. We all handle things on our own time and in our own way. But I'm your best friend in this scenario, so you're getting tough love.
Don't Put Your Life on Hold for a Married Man This Holiday Season
When I look back, I see how much I let that relationship control my own behavior. So I'd urge you to do it differently.
Go to the parties. Stay out late. Enjoy your friends. Have conversations with strangers. And don't feel guilty or bad that you're living your own life.
The holidays are important. If you're spending them with people you love, and people who love you, don't miss the good times. Don't miss making memories. Time is all we have, and you never get it back.
Use the Holidays to Look Hard at the Relationship
This part matters most. Take the time to really look at this relationship. Is it serving you, or is it holding you back?
Then ask yourself the bigger questions. How did I get here? Why am I here? What am I doing? What do I really want for myself?
I love the new year. I'm not a New Year's Eve rager, but I love the timing. New Year's Eve is the bow on the year. Then the clock ticks over and you get a fresh slate. A whole new book.
So what do you want for 2027? What have you been longing for? And is everything in your life, not just the affair, helping you get there or getting in your way?
Affairs Don't Come From You at Your Best
I get plenty of judgmental comments. Everyone's entitled to their opinion. But I'll stand by what I've said before. When you're in an affair, you're not coming from a place of being your best.
Something's going on inside. Maybe it's something you don't want to deal with. Maybe you don't even realize it's happening. Or maybe it's something you know is going to be really tough to face in the mirror, so you've decided not to deal with it right now.
This is a great time to deal with it. And it's okay if you don't have all the answers. Sometimes all you know is that you can't keep living the way you're living. That's a tough pill to swallow, especially when you love so much about your life and who you are, and there's this one big thing that started out bringing you joy. Now you're looking around going, what the hell am I doing? Why am I still here? Why am I not frustrated enough with myself to call it?
What Your Friends Are Really Thinking
I confided in a lot of friends. I know they were all thinking the same thing. We love Nikki so much. Why is she in this? Why has it gone on so long? Why doesn't she see herself the way we see her?
If you're in that relationship right now, I promise your friends are thinking the same thing. She's amazing. Why is this what she's choosing for herself? She deserves someone who can pick her 100% of the time.
I know it's easier said than done. When you love somebody, you're in a bubble. It makes you feel ways you've never felt before. I once truly believed it would never get any better than him. No better relationship, no better lover, no better friend.
That's the gift of time. When you get to the other side, you can look back and see what you believed. Then you get more lived experience and find out there are better things. There's so much joy in living true to who you are, keeping your boundaries intact, knowing what you deserve, and reclaiming your self-worth.
The Moment I Said I Value Myself
The most profound moment of my life so far happened in a hotel bathroom. It was the afternoon. I'd been cocktailing by the beach. I went in to pee, I was washing my hands, I looked in the mirror, and I said it out loud: I value myself.
I thought, where did that come from? It kept running through my head for the rest of the trip. When I got home, I knew I had to figure out what it meant and what was going on inside me that I still had to dig through.
That was the first domino. It took trial and error. A lot of tears. A lot of struggle. It's not going to be easy. But it's going to be worth it.
Choose Yourself This Holiday Season
Don't waste the holidays being sad that you aren't being chosen. Choose yourself.
I don't regret my affair. How could I regret something that got me here? But I wish someone had given me this advice back then.
Nobody else is in your relationship but you and him, so nobody can tell you exactly what to do. If nobody in your life knows what you're going through, let this be the voice that tells you that you deserve everything you want. There's love at the end of the tunnel. Stop waiting for somebody to choose you who is unavailable to do so.
FAQ
How do you cope with being the other woman during the holidays?
Don't put your life on hold. Go to the parties, spend time with the people who love you, and don't feel guilty for living your own life. Use the season to take an honest look at whether the relationship is serving you or holding you back.
Why are the holidays so hard when you're dating a married man?
The holidays are built around family and public plans, and an affair lives behind closed doors. He has obligations that keep him with his family, so you end up sad even when you're surrounded by your own people.
Should I end my affair before the holidays?
Nobody can make that call for you. I ended mine around a holiday because I was fed up and sick of spending holidays apart, and it was the straw that broke the camels back. If you already know you can't keep living the way you're living, that's worth paying attention to.
Do your friends judge you for being the other woman?
Some might. Mine mostly wondered why I didn't see myself the way they saw me. If you're in it, your friends are probably thinking you deserve someone who can pick you 100% of the time.
What does it mean to choose yourself after an affair?
It means you stop waiting for someone who is unavailable to choose you. For me it started with saying "I value myself" out loud, then figuring out what was going on inside that got me into that relationship.
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