How to Forgive the Other Woman After Divorce (Even When She Married Your Ex)

When Danielle Stanton came on The Scarlet Edit, I knew the conversation was going to be one that you couldn’t stop listening to. I've been the other woman. Danielle was the wife. We sat down on opposite sides of the same experience and what came out of it was one of the most honest conversations I've had on this show.

She was married for 20 years. Two small kids. Stay-at-home mom. Then one day her husband came home and told her he'd met someone else.

He left. He married the other woman. They had a child together. And the woman he left Danielle for now lives in the same community. They co-parent.

Danielle has forgiven all of it.

What it actually looks like when your husband leaves for another woman

Most of the divorce stories I hear come with a slow build. Years of disconnection. Resentment piling up. By the time the marriage ends, both people kind of know it's coming.

Danielle's wasn't that.

She told me she didn't see it coming. They'd been together since they were young. She was raising their two kids, two and three and a half at the time. From where she sat, it looked like the picture-perfect family she always wanted.

Then he found someone else.

Looking back, she sees the red flags she missed. The distance. The way he seemed unhappy in ways she couldn't quite name. But in the moment, she was drowning in toddlers and trying to be the best mom she could be. There wasn't a lot of room to read the room.

What she said next stopped me: "If we would have had that discussion, the healing process probably would have been a little bit easier for me."

She didn't want him to stay. She wanted the truth. She wanted to be told something before it became a full secret life with another woman.

Why she chose to forgive the other woman after divorce

Here's where Danielle and I both got real.

I asked her if she'd ever messaged the woman her husband left her for. She had. Back when it first came out, she Facebook-messaged her to ask if she knew he was married. The woman wrote back and said yes, but they were just friends.

That was a lie.

For year one through five, Danielle said it was hard. Really hard. The other woman would show up at the kids' baseball games. They'd be there as a couple. Then they were married. Then they had a baby. Danielle was still single, dealing with all of it, having to be civil at every milestone.

She told me she went through every stage of grief out loud. Cried. Screamed. Laughed at the absurdity of her own life. And then she made a decision: she had to get out of the quicksand. Nobody else was pulling her out.

So she forgave. Not because the other woman earned it. Not because her ex deserved it. She forgave because holding onto it was keeping her stuck.

What other moms get wrong about single moms

The part of Danielle's story I wasn't expecting was how the other mothers treated her.

She was the same woman she'd always been. Same school. Same kids. Same community. The only thing that changed was that she didn't have a husband anymore.

And suddenly the married moms acted like she had a disease.

They iced her out. They didn't include her. She told me she almost wanted to say to them, I'm not going to take your husbands. That's not what happened to me. I'm the one whose husband went out and found someone else.

That insecurity, that fear, that judgment — all of it landed on Danielle for the crime of being newly single.

She found her people in the other single moms. Women who got it. Women who didn't need her to perform anything. Fifteen years later, she's still close with them. Those friendships survived because they were built on something real.

When perimenopause is misdiagnosed as depression

The second half of Danielle's story is the part more women need to hear.

After the divorce, she was hospitalized. Doctors told her it was depression. She was 38 years old, raising two young kids alone, and her body was breaking down in ways nobody could explain.

It wasn't depression. It was perimenopause.

A national survey released in 2025 found that nearly 40% of women who got prescribed mental health medication during perimenopause felt they were misdiagnosed. Anxiety. Depression. Panic attacks. All being treated as standalone conditions while the hormonal cause sat untreated underneath.

Danielle met her now-husband right after she was discharged. He's the one who told her to get her hormones checked. That single suggestion changed everything. She started bioidentical hormone replacement. She rebuilt her sleep, her gut, her workouts. She stopped drinking. And at 50, she's the healthiest and happiest she's ever been.

She calls it being the CEO of your own health. I'm using that one!!

What starting over after divorce actually requires

Here's what I took from this conversation:

The woman your husband left you for is not your project. Your healing is. The married moms who froze you out are not your community. The other women who've been through it are. And the symptoms you've been told are "just depression" might be your body asking a different question.

Forgiveness isn't for the people who hurt you. It's the only way out of the quicksand.

FAQ

How long does it take to forgive the other woman after divorce?

There's no fixed timeline. Danielle said it took her about five years before she stopped feeling triggered seeing her ex's new wife at her kids' events. Forgiveness usually shows up after the active healing, not before. If you're not there yet, you're not behind.

Can you really co-parent with your husband's affair partner?

Yes, but it requires forgiving the affair before you can co-parent with the affair partner. Danielle's co-parenting works because her kids have two stable households and more adults who love them. That clarity took years.

Why do married women judge newly single moms?

Insecurity, mostly. When a marriage ends in a community, it makes other women look at their own. Newly single moms get treated like a threat instead of a person who just lost everything. Find the other single moms. They will be your people.

Can perimenopause be misdiagnosed as depression?

Yes, and according to a 2025 national survey, nearly 40% of women felt they were misdiagnosed during perimenopause. Symptoms like mood swings, fatigue, brain fog, anxiety, and sleep changes overlap heavily with depression. If you're in your late 30s or 40s and your antidepressants aren't working, ask for a full hormone panel.

What is the best advice for starting over after a sudden divorce?

Get out of the quicksand. That was Danielle's line and it stuck with me. The longer you stay stuck in the why, the longer you stay stuck. Decide your life is going to look different and start moving toward it, even if you can't see the whole path yet.

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