Are Affairs Really About Sex? What I Learned as the Other Woman

Everyone has a theory about why people cheat, and almost all of them start and end with sex. He wasn't getting enough at home. She wanted something new. Keep your partner satisfied and they'll never stray. It's clean, it's simple, and it lets everyone feel safe.

It's also mostly wrong.

I spent years as the other woman, so I've heard every version of the "it was just about sex" theory. This week I sat down with Dr. Marie Murphy, a non-judgmental infidelity coach, and we took the whole thing apart.

The biggest myth is that affairs are about sex

Here's what I know from the inside: if the relationship I was in had only been about sex, it would have lasted a month. The reason affairs go on for years is that they're built on connection, chemistry, and the feeling of being understood. The physical part is real, but it's rarely the point.

Marie said it well. People want to reduce infidelity down to the least complex thing they can find, because "it's just about sex" gives them a neat, tidy out. If it's only about sex, then all you have to do is have enough of it and you're safe. That's a comforting story. It's just not an honest one.

This is also why emotional affairs land so hard. An emotional affair vs a physical affair isn't really a competition. Plenty of the deepest betrayals never involve touching at all. What gets shared is attention, vulnerability, the conversations you don't have with anyone else. That's the part people can't fathom their partner handing to someone new.

Nobody wakes up and decides to have an affair

One of the things that made people angriest when I first said it out loud: an affair isn't a choice you plan.

I didn't wake up one morning and say, okay, workout, healthy breakfast, go find a married man. Nobody does. You make a choice in a moment, sure. But there's a canyon between "I chose to keep seeing someone who was married" and "I set out to blow up a marriage." Most people who end up in an affair get there slowly, one small step at a time, and only look up much later.

The women who were the other woman who reach out to me aren't villains. They're smart, successful, doing perfectly well in every other part of their lives. The story where cheating means you're a broken person with no values is easy. It's just not what I see.

Why people cheat and still don't leave

This is the part of our conversation I keep coming back to.

The common assumption is that people cheat because they want to hurt someone, or because they don't care. Marie sees the opposite. A lot of people cheat, and keep cheating, precisely because they're terrified of causing pain. They don't know how to end things without wrecking someone's world, so they freeze in the middle of it.

We say "just get divorced" like it's simple. It isn't. Getting divorced means sitting across from someone and telling them you don't want to be with them anymore. Plenty of people will do almost anything to avoid that conversation, including staying somewhere they no longer want to be.

I felt this one personally. People used to tell me there was no way the man I was involved with actually loved me. He did. And part of why things stayed complicated for so long is that he didn't want to hurt me, and he didn't want to hurt her. That's not an excuse. It's just closer to the truth than "he was a bad guy who wanted sex."

When being cheated on becomes an identity

We spent a while on the other side of this, too. The people who get cheated on and never let it go.

Marie described the hurt becoming your "wubby." Your thing. The betrayal turns into something you hold onto because you don't know who you'd be without it. If you stopped being the person this happened to, where would you stand?

I've watched couples stay together after an affair and punish each other every single day for it. The littlest thing becomes a blowup, and the cheating gets pulled back out as the trump card. At some point I want to ask, why are you still subjecting yourself to this? Marie's answer is that for a lot of people, staying and staying angry feels safer than leaving. They'd rather be right than happy.

And the women who were on my side of it, the ones who were "that woman," tend to tell a quieter story years later. They weren't happy. They were coexisting, orbiting the same four walls. Nobody was giving anybody what they needed, and nobody knew how to say so.

How long should the other woman wait?

If you're the other woman, you already know the question that runs on a loop: how much longer do I wait for him to leave his wife?

Marie's reframe is the best answer I've heard. There's no magic number. There's no sign from the universe. The question isn't how long you should wait. It's how much longer you'd be gladly willing to stick around and see what happens. Gladly willing is a completely different thing from waiting.

Because sometimes the person does leave, and it works out. And sometimes they don't. You can't control which one you get. What you can decide is how long you're willing to live in the not-knowing. That part is yours.

FAQ

Are affairs really about sex?

Usually not. While there's often a physical component, most affairs are built on emotional connection, intimacy, and feeling understood. In longer affairs especially, the emotional bond is the core and the sex is secondary.

Why do people cheat if they don't want to hurt anyone?

Many people who cheat are terrified of causing pain, and that fear is part of why they stay stuck instead of ending things. Leaving a marriage means telling a partner you don't want to be with them, and a lot of people avoid that conversation at almost any cost.

How long should you wait for a married man to leave his wife?

There's no universal timeline and no sign that tells you when to walk away. A more useful question is how much longer you'd be gladly willing to stay and see what happens, which is different from waiting on a promise. You get to decide.

Why do some people stay after being cheated on but never forgive?

Sometimes the hurt becomes part of a person's identity, and letting it go can feel like losing solid ground. Staying and holding onto the betrayal can feel safer than facing change or walking away.

Do people who cheat still love their partner?

Often, yes. Love and infidelity aren't mutually exclusive, and many people cheat while still loving their partner, the person they're involved with, or both.

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