Sex, Intimacy, and Why Affairs Are Never Just One Thing

Ask most people what an affair is about and they'll say one word: sex. It's the assumption everyone makes the second they hear someone got caught. But after a lot of years living inside one, I can tell you it's not that simple. This is the deeper dive I wanted to do after my conversation with Dr. Marie Murphy last week.

I'll be straight with you, talking about sex and intimacy isn't the most comfortable thing for me to put out into the world. My close friends get the unfiltered version. Everyone else gets me at 48, still feeling a little awkward talking about one of the most primal things two people can do. But it's an important conversation, so here we go.

Yes, Sex Plays a Role in Affairs

Are some affairs about sex? Of course they are. We're human. We crave intimacy and connection. We want physical pleasure with another person, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's how we're built. Plenty of people go looking for it somewhere else because they're not getting it at home, or not getting enough of it.

Sex is primal. Watch any animal for two seconds and you'll be reminded of that. For me, physical intimacy isn't a nice-to-have, it's a pillar. I don't want a relationship without it, and I don't feel like I need to defend that.

Why My Affair Wasn't Only About Sex

This is where it gets more interesting. If my affair had only been about sex, it wouldn't have lasted anywhere near as long as it did.

Think about dating. You get to know someone to figure out if you actually like them. How many times have you heard a woman say the sex was incredible but he was so dumb, or the sex was amazing but they had nothing in common? Great sex doesn't keep you around if the person underneath it isn't someone you want. In my case, we genuinely liked each other. We traveled, we did things, we had a whole life that wasn't sex. Did we love that part too? Absolutely. But it was never the only thing holding it together.

Attraction, Energy, and Why I Won't Be Roommates

Attraction is a wild thing. Sometimes you look at someone and feel it instantly. Sometimes it grows, the friend you never looked at twice who suddenly you can't stop thinking about. For me, energy trumps everything. Before anything else, I'm reading what someone's energy is giving off, how they carry themselves, how they exist in a room.

And I know exactly what I want. If you want physical intimacy with your person and you're not having it, you're roommates. That's it. I didn't want to be roommates with someone. I wanted the kind of connection where you catch each other's eye across a room and you both know exactly why. I'm not afraid to say that.

Why People Have Affairs Usually Comes Down to More Than Sex

When people find out about an affair, they find out because someone got caught. So the whole thing gets reduced to scandal. Did you hear about so-and-so, can you believe it, what horrible people. Nobody asks the real questions. How did they get there? What was missing? What made that decision feel possible in the first place?

That's the whole reason I do this show. I talk about affairs from the inside out. Not the getting-caught part, the how-it-actually-happens part. Because these are real relationships with real reasons behind them, and reducing all of it to sex misses almost everything that matters.

What We're Never Taught About Our Own Bodies

Something that doesn't get said enough: most of us were never taught what our bodies are actually capable of. We learned how you get pregnant, how a condom goes on a banana, and that was about it. Nobody taught women what pleasure can really be.

So a lot of people end up in relationships not knowing how good it can be with someone who wants to enjoy it with them. Then an affair happens and suddenly they're going, oh, this is what my body can do. I've heard it from clients. It can be a real awakening, and it's a big part of why people fall in love inside affairs. There's a flood of hormones happening, especially for women. It's the same reason you can have incredible sex with someone and be convinced you're going to marry him. You're not. You just felt something powerful and mistook it for forever.

So, Are Affairs Just About Sex?

No. Sex is a big part of many of them, mine included. But affairs tap into a level of intimacy, physical and emotional, that people are craving and not getting anywhere else. Pair that with whatever else is missing on the inside, and that's how people end up there. It was never only about the sex. It rarely is.

FAQ

Are affairs just about sex?

No. Sex is often a significant part of an affair, but it's rarely the only driver. Most affairs are also about intimacy, connection, attraction, and needs that aren't being met in the primary relationship.

Why do people have affairs if it's not just about sex?

People often have affairs because something feels lacking within and inside of their relationship, emotionally, physically, or both. When connection and communication fade, one person may look elsewhere to feel desired, seen, and close to someone again.

Can an affair be more emotional than physical?

Yes. Many affairs are driven as much by emotional connection as physical attraction. Feeling understood or wanted by someone can be just as powerful as the sex, and sometimes more.

Why do people fall in love during an affair?

Sex releases a rush of bonding hormones, especially for women, which can intensify feelings fast. Combine that chemistry with genuine compatibility and unmet needs, and it's easy to see why affairs so often turn into real emotional attachments.

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